Noob's Guide to Empires

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Warning  Warning: This is a satirical guide. Under no circumstances should the advice given in this article be taken seriously.

So you just got Half life 2, skipped the single-player, and got banned from all the Half life 2 Deathmatch servers? Don’t worry, you can play Empires!

But first you need to know how!

This is the definitive How-To.

Introduction:

First of all, I would like to congratulate you for deciding to read this article. If you’re already a n00b, don’t worry, this article will still help you in your plight. If you’re a beginner n00b, this article will help in your quest for n00bishness! But enough about n00bs; let’s get on to the game! Most Empires games have three phases, the Beginning, Middle, and End. This guide will allow you to play as a n00b in all three phases, remaining annoying to your teammates and preventing any real work from getting done. Empires is a game all about teamwork, so obviously, you must never help your team. In fact, you could even do things that hinder your team! (More examples on this later). Before we get into the three game phases, here are a few ground rules:

Rule 1:
DON’T READ THE MANUAL
Rule 2:
DON’T DISOBEY RULE 1
Rule 3:
THE COMMANDER IS ALWAYS WRONG
Rule 4:
WHERE IS THE AMMO?
Rule 5:
DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR KEYS DO

The Teams:

There are two teams in Empires, the Northern Faction and the Brenodi Empire. (Actually, in Empires they are known as factions, but you don’t need to remember that). Both have detailed and complicated backstories, which you shouldn’t read. The point is, you should join whichever has the most players.

Beginning Phase:

There’s one initial problem with the Beginning Phase, you don’t spawn! This is a very problematic situation, and the only thing you can do is ask your teammates repeatedly.

Ok, once you spawn, since it’s the very beginning and you know your Starcraft, you want to rush your enemy as fast as possible. Since you don’t have zerglings, you are going to need a tank. Fortunately, your team starts out with the perfect tank!

This is known as the Boom Tank.

It’s a bit big and clumsy, but it is fast and will help you evade all the blockades your team is setting up. If they ask you to get out of their tank, just ignore them and drive like mad to the enemy base. That’s where the action is! Once you get there, (ignoring more cries from your teammates about some “com vehicle”), you should immediately try running the enemy over. You get extra points for getting the tank stuck on a turret (double points if it’s a missile turret!)

If you aren’t fast enough to grab the tank and some idiot is just sitting in it doing nothing, don’t worry, there are plenty of other things a n00b can do around the base!

Some suggestions for the Beginning Phase:
- Ask where the ammo is
- Ask how you join a squad
- Throw grenades randomly
- Don’t build anything
- Except walls, build lots of walls
- Stand right next to the resource nodes (the little rocks with smoke coming out of them)
- Proclaim someone as a cheater
- Ask again where the ammo is

Now that your teammates have a base set up and some resource nodes captured, you’ll start getting harassed by the enemy. This is known as the Middle Phase, and it provides many opportunities for a good n00b.

Middle Phase:

If you have done the beginning phase correctly, you shouldn’t even get to this phase, having already won the game by running over all the enemies infantry and buildings with the Boom Tank. However, if your team isn’t yelling at you already, there is plenty more you can do to ensure your ultimate victory!

Traditionally, a large building called a “vehicle factory” will have magically dropped from the sky, and your teammates will have constructed it. This is a very important building, as it houses all the other tanks in the game. Even though someone has jacked your special tank, you can still get other tanks from the vehicle factory (but they’re not as good).

You want to get to this building as soon as possible and buy about 30 jeeps. These jeeps are essential to winning the game! The more jeeps you have, the more you can rush around the battlefield doing donuts, jumps, and wheelies, with complete disregard for the approaching enemy. Try to get a jeep ontop of some of your teams buildings. In fact, you can use the jeep to ram into the starting tank, flipping it over in the hopes the person inside will get out.

You can also buy other vehicles too! There are light tanks, AFV’s, and APC’s for you to choose from, and all of them are very useful and can do a lot of damage to the enemy.

You want to be sure that nothing is in those little boxes. Click and drag the little pictures off of the tank and drop them somewhere else. The fewer of those little boxes, the lighter your tank will be, as dictated by the Weight display, and thus, the better your tank will be. Once you build the tank, it will appear in the vehicle factory, and you will be in it! It’s really exciting to drive a tank, there’s a feeling of power when you are rumbling across the battlefield. You can run over enemy infantry, and even run over friendly infantry! There are problems firing the tank, however. Your normal mouse clicks don’t seem to work in the tank, so ask your team repeatedly how a tank fires.

If tanks aren’t really your style, there’s another thing a good n00b can do: Scouting. Change your class to scout, and slowly walk towards the enemy base. Alternately, you can use one of the 29 jeeps you have built (one has probably blown up by now). Scouts are important because they have one of the most powerful weapons in the game: the binoculars. Seriously. Press the right mouse button and your view will zoom in. Point it at the enemy’s base and press the left mouse button. A red attack diamond will appear at your target, dealing hundreds of points of damage to the enemy! At the same time, a cool voice will sound saying that you’re calling in for artillery. Keep clicking! The more times that voice sounds, the more damage you do to the enemy. (Ignore what your team is yelling at you).

Some suggestions for the Middle Phase:
- Ask where the ammo is
- Ask how you join a squad
- Urge your commander not to research anything and conserve resources
- Alternately, urge your commander to research useful things, like Biology, but don’t let him research past that
- Don’t miss a chance to grab the Boom Tank and run it towards the enemy base
- Ask how to get a skill
- Ask again where the ammo is
- Proclaim someone as a cheater

Now that the enemy has harassed you some, and both teams are getting fairly built up, one team will start to win, either with more tanks or more cheats. This is known as the End Phase, and is where one of the teams Boom Tanks gets killed. Make sure it’s yours.

End Phase:

At this point in the game, there are a lot more tanks available. Some, like the heavy tank, are really big and imposing, (though not quite as much as the Boom Tank).

This team, while it does have a Boom Tank and a heavy tank (WOW!), is not doing a very good job. They should be assaulting with the Boom Tank and blocking the vehicle factory with the heavy tank. This is always a good idea, because it prevents enemy vehicles from getting inside your vehicle factory and blowing up all the unbuilt vehicles. Don’t let anybody move it.

Now that you have your vehicle factory well secured, it’s time to start harassing both the enemy and your team. A good idea at this point is to buy the most expensive tank you can make (before blocking the vehicle factory of course). This is usually the heavy tank. Outfit it with the bulkiest armor and the biggest engine, but make sure none of those little boxes have any pictures in them! (see Middle Phase). You then want to take your new tank and drive it in a fairly random direction. Trying to run over the enemy is good, trying to run over your teammates is better!

One thing to note: all tanks are amphibious. That means that you can drive them in the water! You should do this as much as possible to avoid minefields, but watch out for sharks.

There’s also a new type of tank available – the Artillery Tank. (This has nothing to do with the Scout’s binoculars). Artillery tanks are really cool, and do a lot of damage. It’s kind of hard to see what an artillery tank is shooting at, so the best idea is to drive right into the enemy base so you can’t miss. Alternately, you can just fire randomly, letting your teammates guide you. Since you are in a vehicle, all your directions are reversed, so follow the reverse of whatever your teammates are telling you.

At this point in the game, you should also start bugging your commander to build an Aircraft Factory. Aircraft are one of the most useful things in the game. You can do dive-bombing runs, kamikaze attacks, and loop-dee-loops. Keep bugging your commander to build one. There IS one in the game, you just have to keep asking.

If you are an engineer, you should make as many turrets as possible. If you have done it correctly, nobody will be able to get in or out, thus solidifying victory.

Finally, there will come a point where your team swarms over the enemy base. Keep killing things, but remember not to shoot at the enemy Boom Tank. It’s too powerful, so kill everything around it before trying to destroy it.

Some suggestions for the End Phase:
- Ask where the ammo is
- Ask how you join a squad
- Ask for an Aircraft Factory
- If the commander has restricted vehicle creation, bug him until he builds you a heavy tank
- Then don’t use it
- Don’t miss a chance to grab the Boom Tank and run it towards the enemy base
- Block the vehicle factory exit by any means necessary
- Ask again where the ammo is
- Proclaim someone as a cheater

More Tips on How to Play Empires:

-The Boom Tank is very important, and can not be destroyed. Make sure that it is appropriately protected and is secured with walls AT ALL TIMES.
-Occasionally the thief in your Boom Tank will get out to build the buildings that have fallen from the sky. Do Not Let Your Opportunity To Grab The Boom Tank Disappear!
-If you notice that there is an APC sitting behind a wall, make sure you move it to where it will be useful; on the front lines. -We don't want any enemy spies seeing into our base. Make sure that the base is properly covered in Smoke Grenades. If anyone starts complaining, ignore them. The enemy spies might try to switch teams to convince you to stop. DO NOT DO IT
And now that you’ve got yourself banned from every Empires server, you can move on to Counter Strike: Source!